As long as mankind has drunk alcohol, mankind has drunk dialed. Sure, the dial or the phone haven't been around for all that long, but that hasn't stopped intoxicated men from contacting their mates to tell them those words they dread to hear, "Hey baby, can I (hiccup) come over?" Since the beginning of time, the drunkard who has had access to smoke signals, a telegraph, semaphore flags or a large club has at one point or another made a booze drenched ass of himself. Whatever the cause, man has a rich tradition of getting pissed and making pathetic lovesick calls. In recognition of this time-honored tradition we present the famous historical moments that have made the drunk dial what it is today.

70,000 BC - Neanderthal man, Og, after drinking from a pond tainted with Shigella bacteria, hucks a rock at Neanderthal woman, Ogina. Ogina is not pleased.

34 AD - Senator Agustulus Marius sends a drunken eunuch to ask Paulina Zephyrus if she would join in an orgy where "the massaging of both the female and male genitals will occur until all have reached orgasmic satisfaction." Too drunk to think clearly, the eunuch mistakenly says, "The senator requests some organic satisfaction, baby." Thinking he is hungry, Paulina feeds him a bowl of marrows and cucumbers. The next day Agustulus has the eunuch skewered on a stake.

1004 AD - Leif Eiriksson consumes an entire cow's udder of mead and then stumbles over to the hut of 15-year-old Astrid Thorgunna. Through her window, he tells her over and over again that she is "prettier than Friia." Sensing she is not impressed, Leif then mutters, "Do you like Thor? Cause baby I can make you tho Thor, if you know what I mean." Astrid rolls her eyes and closes her shutters.

1271 AD - By accident Marco Polo spills fermented horse's milk into a water dish used by his carrier pigeons. Polo loses the affection of a Mongolian princess after sending her an inebriated bird with a lame love poem attached.

1460 AD - Drinking too much during his lunch break, an inebriated Johannes Gutenberg returns to his print shop and makes a tract entitled, On a Collection of Ideas I Have Related to the Removal of Your Undergarments. Later that evening, after giving the pamphlet to his wife, he distributes the first printed drunk message.

1798 AD - After downing a Methuselah of champagne, Napoleon Bonaparte has a letter to be delivered to Josephine sewn into the jacket of a messenger. In his letter he writes, "Dearest Josephine. In regards to your previous correspondence, I am not that fucking short. I hate it when you say that. I hate it. It makes me so conscious of myself when we are in bed. I feel so yucky. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I love you. I love you. Please forgive me. I love you. Please. Oh, I hate myself. Signed Napoleon Bonaparte." Napoleon lucks out when his messenger is gunned down on his way to France.

1837 AD - P. T. Barnum sends the first drunken telegram. It reads "Dearest Charity STOP You are the greatest show on Earth STOP You turn me on so much STOP You get me so hard STOP Don't stop STOP No don't stop STOP Almost STOP Wait for it STOP I am so ready STOP P. T. Barnum."

1860 AD - Abraham Lincoln, celebrating at the inaugural ball for three hours too long, returns home and repeatedly hollers to Mary through a speaking tube, "Who's your president now, baby!" A tired Mary implores Abe to please come upstairs and just go to bed.

1889 AD - A wasted Alexander Graham Bell makes the first drunken phone call when he rings up his wife Mabel and yells into the receiver, "Baby, come here! Something in my pants needs you."

1961 AD - Neil Armstrong slurps down one too many Tangs on the Apollo lunar module and then asks Houston if he can speak to his wife. They agree, and he makes cute drunken kissy noises into the radio. When Mrs. Armstrong asks him why he is acting so weird, Neil replies, "I drank some Tang. I like Tang. You know I like Tang. I wish I had some Tang right now, baby. Some of your sweet, sweet Tang." Houston quickly cuts transmission.

1978 AD - During an all-night drinking binge with Jerry Reed and Dom DeLuise, Burt Reynolds radios Sally Field on the CB in his Trans Am. After he finishes snickering and gets Dom to be quiet, Burt mutters, "10-4 momma. Drinking some barley pop with my good buddies. Stopping at the Coke store then home in a short. So get the black water ready. Ungowa bwana. Copy?" Sally starts to think that maybe she can do better.

1997 AD - During the preparation of a romantic dinner, an engrossed Al Gore polishes off a bottle of cooking wine. Feeling a bit tipsy and overheated, he sends a rambling email to Tipper, which in part reads, "and then I want to do all those things to you that was in the Prince song that made you so upset. You know, that Darling Nikki song. Al will sho'nuff sho'nuff show U how 2 grind." Tipper decides to cut the PTA meeting short

3050 AD - A genetically cultivated monkey / dolphin hybrid ingests too much liquid silicone and connects to its computer generated holographic mate. It blurts out, "Salut soi y djn togu tone loc." She giggles with unemotional robotic abandon.