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Work Experience
St. Bacchus Cathedral, 7/1978 - 12/1982
Altar Boy
Prepared and assisted in providing Sacraments for over 500 parishioners, three times a week
Maintained accurate inventory of all Sacramental Wine and informed Priests when supplies were low
Gradually became responsible for ordering all Sacramental Wine
Social Coordinator for all Rectory events
The Fine Wine Shop, 12/1982 - 4/1986
Wine Instructor / Steward
Instructed patrons on the subtleties of thousands of different kinds of wines
Coordinated and managed Wine Tasting Events for upwards to 300 people
Trained palate to identify thousands of different types of wine from all over the world, including
Tijuana. Little known fact: Tijuana makes a mean Beaujolais
Created wine tasting program for local high school
Increased profits 300% by adding Night Train and Wine Coolers to inventory
Ernie and Joe's Winery, 5/1986 -7/1992
Wine Maker / Grape Picker
Decreased aging process by 4 years by adding equal parts antifreeze and grape juice to recent
Vintages thereby increasing profits by 50%
Perfected back stroke in wine vats
Realized that by squishing the grapes as you picked them you increased productivity by 20% and
you didn't have to get your feet all messy
Three time champion wine drinker. Retired from wine drinking Undisputed Amateur Champion of
the Tri-State area
Mulroney's Bar, 2/2000 - 10/2000
Adult Beverage Consumer
This one time, I was sitting at the bar and had been drinking Guiness for about six hours, and
this guy came up and said, "Guiness Sucks! And so do the Irish bastards that drink it." Sos I look
at him and says, "I'm Irish and I like Guiness. Who the hell do you think you are?" and he says his
name's Sammy Cardoni. So I hit the fucking Wop as hard as I can before he has a chance to disrespect
the bar again, and I laugh as he hits the ground
Another time I ran out of snack mix, and everyone knows how important snack mix is, sos I say to
the bartender, "Hey I'm outta snack mix over here!" and he says, "The only way you're getting more
snack mix is if you start eating it using your hands." I won't bore you with how I was eating it,
but needless to say I was diggin snack mix out of all sorts of places for weeks afterward. Probably
could've gotten rid of it faster if I bathed more often, but I hate showering at the "Y" because I
always think the guys are staring at me. But that of course is another story all together, and it
only happened that one time
I've actually drank three times my weight in Heineken over a five day period
Jimmy's, 3/2000 - Present
Bar Stool, Unofficial Title
Drank for 15 hours straight without getting up from my bar stool once
Lost three days of my life. I've been told that I actually was at the bar for two of them, but
it can't be substantiated
I don't remember if this next one started at Jimmy's or not but ... I woke up in Mexico married
to a hermaphrodite midget named Joenita, after a bender with Tequiza
My buddy Zeke, once accidentally tried to embalm me. Man, that is some good shit. Zeke's a funny
guy though, hell the Funeral Director once caught him having sex with a corpse and when screaming
asking him what he was doing, he just looked right at him and asked, "Is this a trick question?"
I'm so glad I went first, cause I don't know how I would've answered that question
Skills
Able to utilize every orifice of my body to open a beer bottle
Learned and utilized creed " Beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, nothing to fear"
Possess a large collection of matchbooks from different establishments I've been banned from
Ability to differentiate between many types of beer
Capable of explaining technical problems in simple language by utilizing exemplary communication
skills
Excellent knowledge of German language: Jagermeister, Black Haus, Bier
Education
Lou's School of Mixology, Providence, RI
B.Sc., Adult Inebriation, Sum Cum Loud
November 1988
References Furnished Upon Request
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