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The last we talked, I was doing pretty well running my bitches and Arsenio
was trying to take over the Joan Rivers show. Well, one day Arsenio came
to see me about a special request he had, I can't really get into
the details. After we finished haggling over the price, we chilled out
with some fine reefer, and we started talking about his problem. He was
doing pretty well as a guest host, but he couldn't convince the white
executives at Fox to let him take over the show. He needed help.
It just so happened that some of the girls in my stable were pretty
familiar with the execs at Fox. I don't want to get too specific,
but let me just say that Rupert Murdoch likes two spoonfuls of sugar
in his cup a coffee - brown sugar. Anyhow, I worked out a deal with
Arsenio. I would get him the gig if he hired me as a writer. Things
were looking pretty good.
The Arsenio Hall show was a big hit! I was writing the best material
of my career, and the money was rollin' in. I even quit pimpin'. Then,
with the show at the top of the ratings, Arsenio gets this idea for a
fat rap character he wants to do. I thought he meant for a skit or
two. No, he wants to record an album and even make videos. I told
him he was crazy. This stunt could kill his career. Unfortunately,
nobody listens to a token cartoon character.
So Arsenio is pouring all of his time into Chunky A, and I'm
trying to run the show. I told him, he needed to concentrate on the
show. He should forget about this joke rapper. Sure a few white kids
might buy the album, but the brothers aren't going to go for it. Who
do you think made the Arsenio Hall show No. 1? Some white kids in
Kansas? No, it was the brothers. Now, Arsenio was selling them out.
Things got really ugly after that. Arsenio and I had a big blow out
one night after Eddie Murphy was on the show. Murphy convinced
Arsenio that he didn't need "Schulz's little black bitch" telling him
what to do. I told Murphy to shut his fucking mouth and go make
another Beverly Hills Cop movie before people got sick of his tired
ass. There was a fight. Someone pulled a knife, and Murphy got cut
pretty bad. Next thing I know, I'm doing 5 to 10.
Looking back, prison was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Sure, there were the countless anal rapes and forced fellatio, but
every night, when I went to bed with gallons of cum inside me, I
would pray to God to save my soul. I became a changed man. It
wasn't about fame, money and bitches. Everything was about the
glory of God. I devoted my life to Him, and He saw me through those
tough times behind bars. My body belonged to the boys in cell block
D, but my spirit was soaring with the angels.
These days I'm running a little church outside New Orleans. It's not
much, but I have my flock. It's mostly old dried up hos and burned
out druggies, but they need the word of God just like me. And, if they
can learn from my mistakes, and I can lead them to salvation, then
all my trials and tribulations were worth it. I don't talk to any
of the old Peanuts gang much anymore, and I haven't heard from
Arsenio since I went to jail. But, the Lord provides for me every day,
and when I die I know I'll spend eternity in Heaven, side by side
with the man who started my career, Charles Schulz.
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