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Dear Stockholders:
Wow. We lost $54 billion in three months. I don't know
what to say. That must be some kind of record. What could
have happened to all that money? I know I bought a Microsoft
Xbox, one of those fancy new iMacs and a small Caribbean island.
But that was way less than $54 billion.
Maybe Jerry Levin took it when he retired. I know he took
a bunch of notepads, at least a dozen pens and a stapler.
Clearly he's capable of anything. Still, there's no
way he could have taken all that money without getting caught.
Believe me. I know a thing or two about embezzling funds,
and no one could make off with that much cash without leaving
a paper trail.
You're probably all wondering how we're going to
make up for this unprecedented loss. Frankly, I don't
know. If anyone out that has any ideas, please feel free to
write. I know a lot of you are saying, "This is all AOL's
fault. I wish they had never bought Time Warner." I'm
not about to take all the blame, but you're not alone
in your wishes. My stocks are just as worthless as yours are.
Since the Time Warner side is making a profit and the AOL
side is losing all the money, many people ask me why I don't
simply split the two. Well, I don't know. If we could
just stop disconnecting people and provide a fast, reliable
connection maybe AOL would rebound and make some money. Nah,
that will never happen. I guess we can always lay-off some
more employees.
So don't sell your stocks just yet. Stick around. I'm
sure we'll turn a profit eventually. Even if we don't,
we couldn't possibly lose another $54 billion this quarter.
Could we?
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