I gave up television back in 1999, but not because I was a TV junkie or an intellectual on the search for inner peace, but because I was just plain broke.

I really can't say I've missed the tube all that much, except for my occasional dose of Passions to ensure normality in my life. When watching Passions, I think to myself, "Hmm, I'm not that fucked up and dramatic ..."

So, yesterday, I got an offer I couldn't refuse. A friend of mine still lives at home with his parents, which meant that with the parents at work, free food and cable. Booyah!

So, I'm granted total control over the remote, and I was innocently flipping through the channels when I encountered The Price Is Right. At first I was like, "Shit, I haven't seen this weak-ass show since I was like nine and dammit Plinko was the shit ... this should be a nostalgic experience."

Then it happened ... Bob Barker a.k.a. "The Silver Fox." From the loveseat, I looked at my friend in total fear as he returned the glazed-over look of confusion from the Lazy Boy. "This dude is still alive ... what the hell? Oh my God, he looks dead."

I felt beads of sweat roll down my hot, throbbing temples. I clenched the arm of the pink flowered love seat and began to lose control of my gas output valve. What the hell was going on???

My friend jumped from the Lazy Boy onto the loveseat, shriveled up his nose from my terror stench and we held onto each other waiting to awake from the dreadful nightmare. But then we realized what we were seeing was real.

How the fuck is the Silver Fox still alive, breathing and hosting The Price is Right Didn't he die during raping one of those "Barker's Beauties" who modeled Brillo pads on his show?

Is Bob Barker God?

After pondering whether The Silver Fox is indeed immortal, I noticed the color of his corpse-like skin. The guy isn't just disturbingly tan, he's fucking orange. I mean when people tan, whether in the sun or in a coffin full of light bulbs, they generally turn brown, right? Is he in the process of yellowing, or rotting, maybe?

And what's with the creepy phallic microphone? Didn't he sodomize his most popular beauty, Diane, with that thing? Why is his hand shaking? Will he stop staring vacantly like that??? Is The Silver Fox Satan? Is he staring at me?

I jumped out of the loveseat like a tiger spotting meat and grabbed the remote control with the intensity of my fist wishing to hit Carrot Top right in his stupid asshole face and pointed the clicker right at Barker. "Die you bastard, just die!!!" And the TV went blank.

Questions remain unanswered, people still say the word "booby" with a straight face, but dammit, I'm never going back. My days of TV are over until Bob Barker actually DIES ... for real.