ApeSheet Interview: Beetle Bailey

by Steve Justice

APESHEET: Wow. The one and only Beetle Bailey. With the nation at the brink of at least one war, it's a comfort to know we have veteran soldiers like you defending our country. Any thoughts on this possible war with Iraq?

BAILEY: I can't say that I know much about Iraq or politics, but if Sarge says it's time to go to war, I guess it's time to go to war.

APESHEET: That's loyalty. I admire that. This next question may seem a little insensitive, but it's my job to ask the tough questions, so here goes. You've been in the military for 50 years, and you're still a private. What's that about?

BAILEY: I guess I'm just not much about advancement. You know? I just like to hang out with my friends, listen to music and have a good time.

APESHEET: I hear that. Come to think of it, I don't think anyone at Camp Swampy has ever been promoted. Doesn't that seem a little odd?

BAILEY: Not to me. Things in my world pretty much seem to always stay the same. As long as I can get some solid sleep and avoid K.P., that's the way I like it.

APESHEET: Fair enough. Tell me about Gen. Halftrack. Do you know if he'll be commanding troops at war, or is he a little to high ranking to see any battle?

BAILEY: Well, if they've got good golf courses, Gen. Halftrack will be there. He sure likes golf. He doesn't seem too swift sometimes, but that's really none of my business.

APESHEET: I know what you mean. But his secretary is pretty hot. You ever get a little bit of that action?

BAILEY: Who, Miss Buxley? All I can say is that I'm a firm believer in the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, if you know what I mean.

APESHEET: Don't ask, don't tell? You mean you're gay? Does your sister Lois know?

BAILEY: Gay? You mean happy? I'd be a lot happier if I could get out of the military. If I scrub one more bucket or peel one more potato or go on one more hike, I'm gonna lose my mind.

APESHEET: OK. This is pointless. Why don't you go take a nap?